This year was no different than any other—I had a grand plan to dress up for Halloween. Since I paid tribute to Katniss Everdeen last year (see what I did with the wordplay there?), I thought it would be fun to put together an homage to Hermione Granger this year.
Operation Hermione would require very little effort, I reasoned. We already have a Gryffindor tie in the house—you can be jealous if you want—I own a black skirt, white Oxford blouse and I can make my hair wavy. All I needed was to procure a Gryffindor robe.
“We’ve got black graduation robes from college,” I thought. “I could turn this into a DIY project!”
And then I chuckled and remembered that I’m me. While I probably could make it work, the time and money expended would be far more costly than simply buying a costume robe that would inevitably look better anyway.
So search online, I did. There are a number of replicas (quality unknown) that ship from Hong Kong. Sadly, international shipping wasn’t really an option since I decided to start looking on Friday of last week. (A planner, I am not.)
There’s also a really sweet “authentic” robe from the Universal Orlando online store; it can be yours for a Franklin and Hamilton. Tempting, indeed, but still no guarantee that it would arrive on time.
I checked Targets and Wal-Marts aplenty to no avail*, which left me with no choice but to darken the door of one of those stupid Halloween shops. To the Harry Potter section I went.
What’s that? A hat? Crazy, talking, sorting hat? We’ve been there, we’ve done that, we see you’ve got a sorting hat.
Want a clunky pair of HP spectacle frames with a scarf that looks as though it were made of scarlet toilet paper? Oh, they’re all over that, too.
Feel like getting all Slytherin-y with your bad self? Pop-up cash-grab store has that covered…and the cheapo robe was only $60. After seeing the pricetag on that one, I quit feeling sad over the lack of Gryffindor robes. The high-dollar “authentic” version was looking even better.
*All was not lost: I picked up a $9 adult-sized Man of Steel cape at Wal-Mart.
With the prospect of Hermione seeming ever more distant, I decided to change dressing directions. I could sport my new cape with a Star Wars t-shirt and masquerade as a 5-year-old version of myself. All I’d need to do was buy some sweat pants and velcro shoes; the core stuffs of Wally-World.
This seemed a fantastic idea up until the point that I tried on said attire last night. It was atrocious! When a kid dresses that way, it’s a cute expression of their interests. When an adult dresses that way, particularly for work, it’s a disturbing bit of anti-eye-candy that you can’t unsee.
Rather than inflict that on my coworkers, I practiced mercy.
Today I wear my Stormtrooper hoodie…and only zip it all the way when asked.
This year was no different than any other—I had a grand plan to dress up for Halloween. And like most other years, I failed miserably.
How this got scrapped from The Hobbit extended release is beyond me.
Insert your favorite “illogical” reference here, and good luck getting that little riff out of your head. You can thank me later.
Oh, and this…
Whether due to allergies or misguided pathogens, my otherwise superior genes have failed to protect me from illness.
Pop culture tells me that zombification begins with a raging fever; with body temperature holding steady, my fate as a society-friendly human being seems secure. That little bit of reassurance does not, however, make me feel any less like a zombie. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
For all intents and purposes, being a zombie could be pretty cool. Think about it: they wander around mindlessly with no fear of ramming their thigh into the corner of the footboard after getting out of bed at night to tinkle. By all accounts they don’t even need to go to bed, let alone get up in the middle of the night to answer nature’s call. Their number is unlisted.
Zombies do little more than shamble about making phlegmy, gaspy sounds. My mom once joked that The Walking Dead soundtrack must be a real treat, what with all of the gurgling, moaning, slurping and labored breathing. Frankly, I’m doing a darn good job with the shambling and phlegmy-ness today. I’d fit right in!
Oh, and zombies eat…lots! I’m pretty keen on eating, so that seems like a definite highlight. I guess the necessary hunting process could be less than ideal, though, considering the prey tends not to surrender without a fight. Maybe it’s best to approach feeding as recreation, a full-contact sport. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets a bowie-knife into the gray matter.
And I wouldn’t be opposed to losing all self-awareness. When was the last time you saw a zombie worried about how she looked or what others thought about her? Okay, so Warm Bodies hints that maybe vanity is part of an ongoing internal dialogue, but I choose to believe that is purely the result of creative liberty. I opt for the brainless-freedom approach, existing in perfect contentment whilst looking all dirty and disheveled.
All things being equal, I make a pretty decent candidate for zombification. Given my sore throat, vertigo and assortment of general head-cold symptoms that are impervious to drugstore fare, it might be the best option.
In the meantime, I’ll be nursing a bottle of orange juice and hoping for the best.
Sleep is awesome. It rejuvenates the body and exposes the mind to a vast world altogether hidden
in the waking realm. Some of the most creative outpourings spring forth from the land of sleep.
Paul McCartney famously penned “Yesterday” from a dream. Mary Shelley and Stephen King both credit dreams for some of their greatest works. And Stephenie Meyer claims a dreamy origin for the wildly popular story of a certain sparkly vampire who fell in love with an utterly human girl—love it or hate it, there’s no denying the success.
A couple of years ago, I had my own fiercely imaginative dream. I considered it wholly absurd at the time, nothing more than silliness. Then last year, I began seeing advertisements for reality TV shows Splash and Stars in Danger: The High Dive. Absurdity is a barrier no more. Imagine if you will…
As audiences have come to expect from programs like American Idol and Dancing With the Stars,
a panel of judges sits facing the stage. What sets this apart from the others is the stage floor—or rather, what lies beneath it. Unlike the typical black particleboard flooring, this is clear plexiglass that reveals a daunting body of water below.
In this episode, the stage curtain rises to reveal a massive set designed to resemble the treed ewok village of Endor. A team of dancers and acrobats dressed in ewok costumes performs an interpretive dance to the music of Star Wars (specifically, a medley of the melodic theme “Luke and Leia” and “Parade of the Ewoks”).
A sort of Cirque du Soleil meets Star Wars, one might say.
As the performers embark on their number,
the floor splits in the middle and opens.
Judges can choose to dunk the entire company or individual performers (who are connected to fly cables) should they fail to impress…mid-performance.
See, there’s a chance that somebody can plummet into the water at any given moment, from any height. It’s entertaining and exciting. And a little masochistic.
Each dance team (minus any individuals who swam) that manages to stay dry moves on to the semifinals until one group emerges as the ultimate victor.
You heard it here first, kids. Dance! Don’t Swim. It’s Must-Sea TV. har har
My good friend S (the non-World half of Writer vs the World) is concurrently searching for a new home and considering puppy adoption. Recently she found an apartment complex of interest and shared the link so I could weigh in.
Yeah, that’s right, people value my opinion…or maybe she was just showing me because it was a slow day at work…we’ll claim the former.
As I nosed around the site, I discovered that the pet policy requires a “pet interview.”
My snarky-sense began to tingle as I wondered what kinds of questions they intended to pose to the pet. Soon, our conversation evolved into a doggone good script of prompts suitable for use with canine candidates.
As a public service, we’ve decided to share our contrivances so that you (yes, YOU!) can better prepare your dog for interviews with prospective landlords. You’re welcome.
- Tell me about a time when you thought you could make it outside but misjudged, inadvertently soiling in the house. Was there punishment? If so, how did you handle it?
- Do you find yourself chewing on things when you get bored? What kinds of things?
- Let me create a scenario for you, there’s a thunderstorm and it’s late at night. You hear a large crash of thunder. How do you react?
- What is your response when greeting a visitor? Are you more apt to stay calm, pee out of excitement or become aggressive?
- If you had your choice between a squeaky bone and a real bone, which would you pick and why?
- Tell me about a time when you were reprimanded for doing something that you thought was a good idea at the time.
- What is your stance (philosophical, not physical) on leg-humping?
- You may be asked to collaborate with cats from time to time. How would you handle that?
- When presented with another member of your species, how do you respond?
- Are you willing to delay cleaning personal areas until guests have left the premises?
- There’s an enticing bit of leftover food in the garbage can—tell me how you would resist the temptation.
- About how much of your day is spent chasing squirrels? Would you consider yourself an expert or just a recreational enthusiast?
- Would you say you’re easily distracted? <throws ball as candidate responds>
- When taking walks, do you assume an active leadership position or look to a more dominant leader? Why?
- What is your preferred mode of transportation? Would you be opposed to being carried in a handbag or pushed in a stroller?
- When presented with piddle pads or diapers, how do you respond?
- What does the word leash mean to you? What feelings does it evoke?
- How do you feel about bathing? For or against?
- If you could be a human, who would you be and why?
To see Writer’s take on this topic (and the more rapid-fire version of our banter), check out her post here.